Missionary Impossible

"I have seen it all, no...I have seen too much."

The Big Three are receiving some “stiff” competition in their search for a bailout. Who needs all these automobiles polluting out national cities anyway? With mass transit, people can get around just fine with out millions of cars being pumped every year onto our streets and into our driveways. Let’s not even mention the cojones these auto-CEO’s had flying in private jets down to our Nations Capital asking for handouts.

What I am really truly worried about are the “hard” workers of the porn industry. That’s right, the porn industry. As you may or may not have heard, Larry Flint and Joe Francis are heading the charge, noting that the industry has seen a 22% drop in DVD sales, something that Viagra cannot help. Joe Francis, creator of the “Girls Gone Wild” brand, has decided to travel to Congress to ask for a stimulus package. One would think Francis, with all his re-occurring legal troubles, would be sweating like a hooker in church down in D.C., on the other hand, I am sure many of his faithful viewers would be the ones asking him questions on Capitol Hill.

Some narrow minded individuals would say that it is not the recession that is the cause for the limp sales, rather it is the thousands of free internet sites (or so I am told) where one can track down hundreds of their favorite skin flicks that has spanked the industry this hard.

Maybe Francis and Flint can call on high profile individuals who have past experience in dealing with the D.C. bureaucracy with their own perverted mishaps. I am sure any one of the following would gladly take up the cause to inflate these two sagging companies. Men such as, say, Bill Clinton, have had extensive dealings divulging his pizza delivery girl issues. Or possibly Bob Packerwood (seriously, did this former US senator keep his “industry name” once he got to the senate?) who still feels “jerked-around” by being forced to resign for the Senate. James McGreevey could be present to represent the equal opportunity lust fest. Jerry Studds (seriously, that’s his name, I am not making this up, I swear!) has major experience in winning erect—uhm---elections in the great state of Massachusetts despite being accused of, well, lets just say, underage fraternizing. Pennsylvania could be represented by Don Sherwood (I know, I know, but look him up, he did have a seat in the House). And of course I am sure Elliot Spitzer would be able to be summoned as witness #9.

Francis and Flint could site past presidential candidates as being pro-porno referencing Warren Harding (OK this is getting ridiculous), a 1920 Senator who was nominated by the GOP despite rumors of extramarital affairs and illegitimate children.

Come to think of it, if I were Francis or Flint, I would be doing the same thing. The cost of breast implants has not gone down with the rest of the world market. And you just can’t find good fluffers anymore. Whatever the outcome, I am sure we have not heard the last of this story. And if these two porn moguls do get a money orgy from Congress, you can bet their story will go straight to DVD.


http://www.cnbc.com/id/28542109/site/14081545